"The Yellow Handkerchief," Kristen Stewart

I've always known I can't walk past a movie theater without finding an excuse to duck in. Even broke as a joke, I find a way to rationalize:

"These old guts could use a good few days without eating," I think.

Yesterday, the excuse was to see "The Blind Side" because it was the only film I hadn't seen for The Oscars; only, it wasn't playing at Lincoln Cinemas.

So, while I was twiddling my thumbs round the theater, three very zealous ladies approached me and asked if I could take their picture in front of the poster for "The Yellow Handkerchief." I hadn't heard of the movie, and while I obliged their picture-taking (for near-on a dozen photos), I became intrigued.

"It's supposed to be an amazing movie," one said.

"I've heard it's supposed to be greeeeaaaat," said another.

When I waltzed into the theater they slapped my shoulder and said, "We convinced you! We're here to support Kristen Stewart."

I should've left right then and there; but, I didn't -- William Hurt is in the movie, so I thought it might turn out fine.

It did not.

This horribly disjointed movie made me cringe and get unwarranted goosebumps multiple times. That means, manipulative. I'm all for goosebumps and girlish feelings, but when you goad me along in your story, thinking I'm going to find some big pay-off -- don't play me for a fool, especially when you're taking my Ramen-noodle budget with you.

Premise: Brett Hanson (William Hurt) gets let from prison, and all he wants is to feel the free air on his hands and get himself a beer. He does so -- he goes to a local Southern (yes!) diner and sits down to some food and a beer ... but then.

He looks out the window and sees Martine (Kristen Stewart) getting into a tiff with her assumed-beau; then we start the flashbacks to Hanson's perpetration and things get a bit eerie. We see toes that are feminine and wonder if his wrongdoing was r@pe; we wonder if his jail-time was due to his primal nature, as they show so many flashbacks making us want to think that.

But, he seems like a good guy.

Then, enter "Gordy" (Eddie Redmayne -- who I haven't written about since "Savage Grace") who's his same unbelievably gaunt-looking weird-guy character; but this time, he's ostensibly trying to look after Martine. The three of them -- Hurt, Stewart, Redmayne -- have to deal with being alone (really alone ... think: post-Hurricane Katrina/Zombieland) for a few days.

The problems with the movie were plenty. I love apocalyptic-sensation, zombies, and non-linear timelines; but this movie didn't get it right. They try to trick you, but you're so bamboozled already by the close that you're predicting a sedate ending. Which is what you get.

Two big Grice-thumbs down.