Real Bout of Sadness, Looking Like Medusa, and Leo DiCaprio

Oh, what a sad day! I was devastated twice, and the causes were both of my own doing.

It all started off so innocently. I asked my brilliant lady friend a follow-up question over G-chat.

"So, who was your ex-boyfriend? I don't know too much about him. Sorry I've never asked!" I typed, ignorantly.

The result was a marathon tale of tragedy. A horrible, horrible, soul-crushing, sad, tumultuous, terrifying-in-its-familiarity, ongoing, misery-inducing tale. We talked and talked; pictures were shared (!); we commiserated.

And, of course, this little lady's fear was confirmed: Love, it's for the birds.

Devastation number 1.

(I tend to shy away from matters-of-the-heart conversations -- "shy away," "run away," semantics -- this might be why.)

But then, my fortuitous coworker talked at me: "Psst, turn it to in-house channel 36."

"Sir, don't you know I'm going through tremendous devastation at the moment? Sheesh." I think.

But then who's staring at me on the set of Charlie Rose? Leonardo DiCaprio! Oh, yes, one of my favorite and embarrassing first crushes, first loves. Immediately, I message my movie-work friend. It was time for another mission. (The last mission resulted in a run-in with Sean Penn.)

We monitored our tubes intently. I got antsy.

And then I did a terrible thing. I went to the bathroom; I wanted to -- yes, really -- take down my ratty hair and put on a little makeup, a thing I used to do before I lost any care for hygeine or vanity. (If I was going to meet the eye of a man whose career-making movie I saw ... well, too many times ... I didn't want him to think he saw Medusa standing before him!)

Back to my desk I rushed; but it was too late. I stared at the screen as he stood up from Charlie's round table. No! We have three flights to climb! And I'm crippled!

We still tried, and we failed. Vanity, one of the seven deadly sins for a reason.

Of course, I came back and watched the "Never let go" scene from "Titanic," to make me feel even better. Because you know how Rose dies in this movie? Old and alone, that's how. Her young, beautiful boy dies on her, and she dies old, sad and alone, still harboring feelings.

Devastation 2 (which confirmed aforementioned Devastation 1.)